Looking forward, looking back: one month to a year

If you worked with me, then you'd know that I stole the first part of the title of this post from our monthly department meetings, abbreviated as "LFLB." They are reflective meetings (I mean, as reflective as one can be at 8:30 am), in which statistics from the past month are observed and improvement from the previous month recognized. And then the cycle begins again: after looking back, time to look forward.

So for those of you who are wondering what the second part of this post's title means, I will clarify for you. I have one month until my one year anniversary. Anniversary, you ask? Even though anniversaries are merely celebrations of epochs in peoples' lives, I think that anniversary is widely connoted with marking milestones in an interpersonal relationship. So am I dating anyone currently? No, not at present. And I haven't been for almost one year - and that year will be completed in a month.

It's bittersweet to think about, actually. While I was in a relationship, I was one of those girlfriends who observed those seemingly nonsensical anniversaries on the 10th of every month, without fail. Even if no actual celebration or dinner took place, that day was supposed to be special for me, because it reminded me of when something new started from love. Interestingly enough, that particular relationship ended two years from its start date, on the very next day. After the break up, it was hard getting out of the habit of always looking forward to the 10th because it reminded me of what had happened on the 11th five months ago, six months ago, seven months ago...

Technically, it's the 12th - but since I haven't gone to sleep yet, it is still the 11th to me. Perhaps it's foolish to keep looking back. It's been a long and difficult process regaining my bearings after losing something so precious to me. And it was very easy to remember how disoriented I felt in the process of breaking (up). The continual looking back eventually became a crutch, an excuse for not having direction and purpose after graduation. At the suggestion of a long-time acquaintance/newly-found friend, I discontinued contact with my former better half. It helped with the pain - a lot. But unfortunately, I am the girl who remembers everything that everyone else forgets. And even though I was trying to forget, to be okay, memories - good and bad - would come back to haunt me in the form of flashbacks. Sometimes, I wish I had a sea of forgetfulness.

But actually, I'm glad that I don't - because when I look back, I see how much I learned in that relationship and after. Even though it didn't end up the way that I wanted it to, I learned some important and painful lessons about love. That it's not all about butterflies and romance and being "in love..." but that it's a choice, to will the highest good for the other person - regardless of the relationship: friendship, familial, romantic... and that's only scratching the surface. (Disclaimer: I am not an expert at neither love nor "personal relationships," as my social psychology book described romantic relationships).

This isn't meant to be an entry with a sad violin playing in the background (even though I will admit that I cried today for the first time in what has been a long time, when someone asked me if I was "okay," as in "okay post-him"). I am thankful for the times that the plans I had for myself didn't work out - because they always worked out better than I thought they were going to. Weeping may endure for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. It's a month to a brand new year (if you haven't noticed, I love new years...) - not that the newness hasn't started already. One month to a year, and someday I'll probably forget that I ever had to mark the 11th as an anniversary for myself. But for the time being, I am looking forward to yet another opportunity to celebrate starting afresh.

p.s. I am stealing Alex Lee's shoutouts:
shout out to Alex for becoming my friend and sharing advice with me like a good friend would
shout out to Rachael Baby for reading my blog (and for having an awesome face)